Discuss your thoughts about how much biblical doctrine and a personal theology need to agree in order to avoid issues and problems in marriage. Discuss how

Wright, N. (1992). The Premarital Counseling Handbook. Chicago, IL: Moody.

CHAPTER 12

Sessions Five and Six: Using PREPARE

By now you may have discovered that there is so much material to cover that you ques on whether it can be done in the suggested number of sessions. You may need the opportunity to catch up on anything you have not covered so far. It is best to talk in detail about each topic so that the couple reaches a solid understanding. In addi on, they need to ask ques ons so they can apply this material to their lives. In sessions five and six, much of the me is devoted to a presenta on of the results of PREPARE. Once you have learned how to use this tool, you will see how easy it is to make this an integral part of your premarital counseling. If there are many areas of disagreement on the ques ons, an addi onal session may be necessary. And if resolu on of the issue is difficult or not occurring, postponement of the wedding plans may be in order. My own preference is to look at all the disagreement ques ons in every category rather than just select three categories as the manual suggests. Again, it is be er to be thorough prior to marriage and avoid reconstruc ve work following the marriage.

QUESTIONS FOR THE COUPLE Many ques ons have already been suggested for you to ask in connec on with PREPARE. But you may cover several more with the couple. These deal with various subjects, and you can work them in where you see fit. The first is: “Do you like sympathy and a en on when you are ill?” That might sound like a strange ques on, but people come from different backgrounds. They have had different experiences; where one individual might like a lot of a en on, the other might prefer to be le alone. If this is not discussed ahead of me, conflicts can arise. A wife, trying to care for her husband who has the flu, might give a tremendous amount of a en on. But this irritates him. He does not appreciate it. She wants to know: “Why is he like this? I’m just trying to show him my love and compassion and concern.” He does not see it that way: or, for some reason, because of background experiences, he reacts nega vely to it. A second ques on is: “As a general rule, do you enjoy the companionship of the opposite sex as much as that of your own sex?” In this par cular ques on we are trying to see how the people relate to both sexes. Here is a young woman who enjoys spending more me with men, perhaps because she is employed in a situa on with more men than women. How is her husband going to react? Is this a trus ng rela onship? Is there any jealousy? You can also ask, “A er you’re married, do you think that either of you will look at members of the opposite sex? Do you feel that in any way you might be a racted to members of the opposite sex?” Many different answers have come. Some say, “No, oh no, we’re just completely

suited for one another. We’ll have no interest in another individual, and that’s it.” Others have been quite honest and stated, “Even during our engagement we’ve found that there are people who come into our lives that we might admire; and in some cases we might even be a racted to them.” I have talked to a number of couples who have been surprised, shocked, disappointed, and even upset because, even on their honeymoon, they’ve discovered they no ce members of the opposite sex and are a racted to them. Honesty and realism are needed in this area. Going into the marriage rela onship with the idea that “we are never going to no ce a person of the opposite sex” is unrealis c. Every man and woman will have to ba le sexual tempta on, par cularly with the emphasis upon sex in our society, including the way people dress. We do try to clarify with the couple the fact that they will no ce others and some mes be a racted to them. Many couples who have been married for some me have developed healthy rela onships and can actually talk about others whom they admire or find very a rac ve. Some couples will talk about this quite openly. O en a husband will confide in his wife that he is having trouble in his thought life at work because of the behavior and dress of the women. They talk about this very openly and his wife is not threatened in any way. They discuss it, they pray about it, and they work on it together. They do not hide these things from one another. I like to suggest that if their rela onship is what it should be, and their sexual rela onship and love for one another are on a high plane, the couple is going to have less difficulty with tempta on. This does not mean they will not no ce and admire others. That is just part of being human, and physical beauty is part of God’s crea on. We can, however, cau on them about what they do with their thought life. It is one thing to look at a person of the opposite sex and no ce that he or she is a rac ve. But when one indulges in sexual fantasies concerning that individual, he is guilty of lust, which is sin. It is healthy for the counselor to share honestly. You could talk about this area and tell some of the ways you have learned to deal with it. A third ques on is: “How much praise do you feel you need?” Some individuals say they can exist with very li le praise. However, they might need more than they realize, and it is crucial to determine how important praise is to each one. We also talk about the area of friendship. You can ask: “Do you like the friends of the person you are going to marry? Do you have many friends? How close are you to them? A er you marry, how will you choose friends? Are you going to do this as a couple, or are you going to have your individual friends and go your separate ways?” O en this contributes to conflict, because a young woman might not care for the friends of her future husband or the man dislikes friends of his future wife. Inwardly, she would like him to give them up, but has not, as yet, verbalized this. Here it is brought out, talked about, and determined what can be worked out.

BUDGET QUESTIONS

I also like to pick up any ques ons or topics that we have not covered previously, then talk about their proposed budget. How realis c are they in terms of what it takes to live today? That is what to look for. O en a couple has thoroughly worked this through; other mes there is a tremendous amount of unrealism. I remember one couple who had gone into detail on the budget. Both of them were working, and they went through every item and had $350 to put into the bank each month. Together we worked on that budget to determine the level of realism. Yet they s ll came out with $250 they could put away. This couple had planned to use both paychecks, but the future needed to be explored. I asked, “What will happen if the wife becomes pregnant and you have to rely upon one paycheck? Are you going to be able to do this?” If both are working, it may be well to recommend that they try to live on one paycheck so they become accustomed to that lifestyle. Most couples I have worked with over the past few years have not thought very much about what it takes to live. They might come in and tell me that they have put aside $200 for their rent. I may respond with “Fine. Where are you going to find a place for $200? Have you looked?” They usually say, “No, we haven’t really looked, but we think we’ll be able to find one.” The next assignment is to send them out and ask them to look in the area where they want to live and see what they can find for $200. Perhaps they can find something, but they might not want to live in it. We do the same with some of the other budget items. One couple, just recently, said that they could live on thirty dollars a week for food. Neither had ever done any shopping. They both lived at home, and the parents were buying the food. It was a deligh ul experience to have them go to a market and see what they could buy for thirty dollars. They quickly revised their budget. It is standard prac ce now to ask couples to shop at a market together and purchase a week’s supply of food for their family. It might also be helpful if the man would accompany the woman as she shops in a department store to become aware of costs. We go into great detail with the budget since so much marital disrup on is caused by financial strain. Several excellent money management and budget outlines and resources are available. A few of the best are suggested here, all by Larry Burke , one of which should be mandatory reading. You may want to obtain all of them and then determine which would best suit your ministry: “Your Finances in Changing Times” (set of five tapes; Moody); Debt-Free Living (Moody); and The Complete Financial Guide for Young Couples (Victor). Other areas that need to be considered include the ways the two people have handled money in the past. Have they had a sufficient amount of money to handle? Have they had a savings account? Have they ever had a checking account? Another ques on to consider is: When they are married, who is going to be responsible for handling the finances? Who will pay the bills and write the checks? And how have they arrived at this par cular decision? There seems to be discussion and controversy today over the idea that this must be the husband’s responsibility Now and then you find a man who says, “Well, I don’t have a head for figures. I really haven’t had any experience here.” Whether it is the man or the woman who has not had the financial experience, both ought to develop financial

proficiency. No ma er who is paying the bills, both need to be fully aware of the amount of money coming in and where it is going. If a wife is responsible for purchasing groceries each week and the husband expresses concern over the amount of money she is spending, he should go shopping with her. That way he will know what it is like to go out and pay for food; he can see for himself what food costs. Three basic principles to develop financial unity are: (1) All money brought in should be regarded as “family” money with each person informed of its sources and des na on; (2) money should be used a er mutual discussion and agreement; and (3) each person should receive a small amount for his own use without having to account for it. Another principle to follow is to consider what the money will be spent for and then classify each item as a need or a want. Too o en what we may consider needs are actually wants and thus are not essen al. Burke ’s audio tape series “Your Finances in Changing Times” can be very helpful to both the couple and the counselor. (The counselor could buy the series and loan it to the couple.) A prior assignment was listening to the tapes on roles and responsibili es. Time is spent talking about their feelings about and reac ons to the tapes, and whether they agreed or disagreed with them. Now and then someone will say, “I really can’t believe everything that that man said on the tape.” That’s all right. Talk about it and see in what way he or she disagreed with it. O en the couple just says, “It was tremendous. I wish I’d heard teaching like that years ago.” Different reac ons are given, but the discussion helps clarify points on the tape.

SPIRITUAL QUESTIONS Another prior assignment to discuss is the couple’s me of Bible study and prayer together. How did they feel as they went through it? What did they experience? Some couples say, “Oh, it was very awkward at first. I’d never prayed in the presence of my fiance before. But, you know, even though it was awkward, I really did enjoy it and it was a good experience. And when it came to Bible study, we just followed the outline that was given in that book Two Become One, and we filled in the ques ons and answers and then we talked about them and how they will apply to our marriage.” It is a valuable experience during the premarital counseling (and perhaps even earlier than I suggested) that a couple learn to pray together, to develop a me of opening the Word together, to discuss and talk about spiritual things. O en couples do feel awkward if they have not done it before. If they wait un l a er the marriage, they might not get into it. It’s interes ng to talk to some couples who say, “You know, it took us four years to pray together, because both of us were si ng back and wai ng for the other one to suggest it. We didn’t want to bring it up ourselves, so we just assumed the other person would.” You, as the pastor-counselor, can be very helpful at this me; it would be well to tell some of your own experiences while at the same me allowing the couple to develop the type of rela onship that would suit them. A helpful devo onal book that the couple can read together is Quiet Times for Couples, by H. Norman Wright (Harvest House).

For the rest of the session, consider the verses that the couple has selected to build their marriage rela onship upon. They were asked to do this individually. Start with the young woman and ask her to read the verses and tell why she thinks these are important. This is the first me that her fiance has heard these. A er the woman has presented the verses, the same process is repeated with the man. Over the years I have gained a great deal from the insight, percep on, and honesty of young couples as they have pointed out concepts that have been new to me or that I had never thought of before. We need to have a recep ve a tude as we prac ce premarital counseling.

RELATIONSHIP TO PARENTS A er talking about communica on, I read the le ers their parents wrote. Most couples are very eager to hear these and to have a copy. Here are examples of two recent le ers: We have prayed since Chuck was a young boy that the Lord would direct him in selec ng his life partner. We are very pleased and excited that the Lord has led Chuck to Pa e. They met at Biola and have had the privileges of ge ng to know each other these past two years. We are pleased that Pa e first of all loves the Lord and wants to serve Him and secondly loves Chuck and wants to be his mate and serve him. Pa e has many fine quali es such as a very pleasing personality and is very loving and kind to others. She is concerned with others and above all wants to serve the Lord. We feel that Pa e will fit into our family as if she always belonged. Chuck’s two brothers love her as do his sister and grandparents. We consider her as another daughter. We are looking forward to many happy mes together in the Lord and as a family. Our prayers will be con nually with them.

Why We Appreciate Charles Becoming Our Son-in-Law

There are many reasons why we appreciate Chuck, to become our son-in-law in less than two months. Here are just a few: He is a fine Chris an, raised in a wonderful, godly family…. His goals, aspira ons and plans for Chris an service are solid, as he plans to go on for further studies in Seminary … He has so many of the character quali es described in Advanced Basic Youth Conflicts’ Seminar and so complements Pa e well.

He has helped to give her stability, purpose, and new avenues of services, as he has drawn her out with his outgoing personality. He appears to be a man of prayer and devo on to God, with a desire to serve Him, as both Chuck and Pa e have set goals for His glory, for themselves—meaningful goals in Chris an life and service for their future. This pleases us very much. Chuck is very honest, direct, disciplined, organized (as seen in his school life and whole pa ern of living), humble (seen in his sports, especially), and virtuous. He has high moral standards. We have witnessed, over the past two years, especially in the last eleven months, sufficiently to be convinced that he will take good care of Pa e, will provide for her and endeavor to make her life as much as God intends for it to be to the best of his ability. We believe he will strive for the highest and best for both of them, for God’s glory…. We could wish no greater joy than that they be full of Christ, His Holy Spirit and the Word, as they serve Him. There are mes when you will want to discuss significant comments from the parents’ ques ons form, which they also filled out. The completed sheets should be given to the couple for they may want to discuss some of the responses with their parents. Stahmann and Hiebert, in their structure of premarital counseling, have a family-of-origin (FOE) explora on. It is conducted because the degree of separa on a person has from his or her family of origin can affect marital success. In order to help the process occur they have a session en tled “Saying Good-bye.” This concept, as presented or with varia ons, appears to have significant value. We have added to the FOE an op onal session which has to do with bringing both sets of parents into the last session with the premarital couple. If the counseling is being conducted by a … member of the clergy, then the session with the parents can be the last session before part 4 (which deals with the wedding prepara on); a part of the session on the wedding prepara on; or the session following the one on the wedding prepara on. The premarital counselor does not have a contract to work with the parents on their marriages. He or she can, however, invite the parents to join in the last session. If the counselor wishes to include parents or step-parents in the final stage of the counseling process, we suggest that he or she should inform the couple of this inten on at the beginning of the process. Not only is it important for the premarital couples to know, but it is also important for them to be coached by the premarital counselor in how to present the invita on to the parents. They can be instructed to indicate to the parents that marriage is a very special and meaningful event in the lives of people. As young people they are making a step like the one that their parents made many years ago. The counselor’s invita on to the parents, then, helps them to connect with and

celebrate this event in the lives of their children, which is also a reminder of the similar event that the parents celebrated. We suggest that when the parents arrive for the session, the counselor begin by explaining why they were asked to come. In this explana on, the premarital counselor can talk about the theory of parental models. The point of this brief introduc on is not to underscore any difficulty the children may have with leaving home, but rather to emphasize the concept that parents are indeed important models for children. The counselor explains that the bride and groom have observed some mes without consciously knowing it their parents’ marriages of eighteen, twenty, twenty-four, or however many years, and that these four people, as objects of such observa on, have been teaching their young people about marriage and family life. As part of the explana on to parents, the counselor also can say, in the presence of all six, that he or she has discovered that most parents have had their own struggles with trying to carve out a successful marriage, in their early years especially. He or she can add that each marriage takes adjus ng; some marriages take more adjus ng than others. Last, the counselor can indicate that the parents will no longer have the same kind of access to their children a er the marriage that they had before. Here one can underscore the sense that marriage is a developmental milestone. Marriage changes the way in which people relate to each other. Not only does it change the way in which a man and woman relate to each other, but it also changes the way in which parents relate to adult children. Marriage is a kind of passage into adulthood, a milestone in the maturing process of human beings. While children are single, parents frequently feel they can offer the children plen ful advice. Once a child makes the move to marriage, that child is in effect saying to parents, “I am becoming an adult; I am going to do the very same things you do.” While not all people experience marriage as the passage to adulthood, it is s ll valuable in helping the genera ons to separate for the premarital counselor to stress the importance of marriage as a developmental milestone. All of this is a way of saying that with the marriage of their children, parents are experiencing a kind of loss. Children are also experiencing a kind of loss. Marriage marks a passage of me. The focus of the session with the parents, then, is an a empt to wrap up two basic elements: the changing nature of the parent-adult child rela onship and the passing on of family wisdom (last advice). We think it well for the premarital counselor to structure the session rather than turn it over to the family. Indicate to the parents that in this se ng, they are being asked to give a last piece of wisdom to their children. Each will have his or her me to talk. This is their opportunity to say good-by. The premarital counselor can aid the parents by asking or helping them to discuss two areas. First, what one piece of advice would they give their child about how to succeed in marriage—advice they learned in their own marriage? Second, how are they going to con nue their own marriage now that the child is moving on? How will their rela onship now be different?

It is helpful for the premarital counselor to structure the rest of the session as well. Indicate which parents should go first; if one needs more me to think, pass on to the other. The premarital counselor has the responsibility of doing the talking. When the parents have finished with what they have to say, the premarital counselor can summarize what the parents said as a way of recapping and heightening both the happiness and the poignancy of this session. The session with the parents will probably be experienced as somewhat strained and tense but rewarding by the premarital counselor who has not had the opportunity to experience this process before. The more of these sessions that the premarital counselor conducts, the more efficient and successful they will be. It is important, however, to underscore our idea that if the premarital counselor is enjoying the task and having fun, the couple and the parents will too— and they will benefit from the process.1

WEDDING ARRANGEMENTS The arrangements for the actual wedding carry with them the poten al for power struggles between the couple and their respec ve family members. But this can be minimized by bringing out everyone’s concerns and expecta ons prior to making the arrangements. This is a major event in the life of the couple as well as for their families. Arond and Pauker offer eight guidelines that the premarital counselor can present to the couple.2 First, help the couple an cipate what their respec ve families may expect. When you hear them respond with “Well, I think they want this or don’t want this,” you have a situa on where assump ons are being made, and it is important for these to be clarified. But before they do, encourage them to determine what they, as a couple, want for their wedding and what they want it to represent. Power struggles can be avoided by preplanning. Second, help the couple empathize with other family members. They should consider other people’s feelings. A parent may be experiencing a sense of sadness at the finality of the departure of a child, or fears about how the couple will make it financially. In the case of a second marriage, children may be upset over gaining new step-siblings or the fear of a new step-parent. Help the couple to consider their parents’ backgrounds, previous experiences with children’s weddings, finances, and so on. Third, help the couple determine who’s in charge of the wedding plans. As much as possible the counselor should include other family members in the planning, but be sure to know who is making the final decisions. The couple could ask for assistance on some of the tasks, and this could help others feel more a part of it. Fourth, have the couple make a list of what they want their wedding to reflect and what would be pleasing to both sets of parents. Compromise will have to be a part of the process. Parents may want to invite some people the engaged couple do not even know.

Fi h, tell the couple to decide well in advance how much money is available for the wedding. Then they should decide what is most important to them. Some prefer a sit down dinner (and this could be a strong cultural factor), whereas others prefer a potluck dinner arrangement in which friends bring their favorite special dishes. I have been involved with both, and potlucks can be just as classy and dignified as a formal dinner (and much more interes ng with the wide variety of food available). Sixth, remind the couple of the purpose of the ceremony. The wedding is not an event to impress. It is the beginning of a marriage, and the spiritual dimension is the most important element. One of the most memorable wedding services I have ever a ended had very simple refreshments for the recep on. But the wedding itself was a two-and-a-half-hour worship service with six different quality musicians. The husband, who has mul ple sclerosis, sat on the pla orm and sang a song he had wri en to his bride as she came down the aisle. The service contained tape recordings of the parents with messages to the couple, and each person present was asked to fill out a form with sugges ons to the couple for their marriage. These were then collected, and the couple placed them in a book and read them over to gain insight and wisdom for their marriage. Seventh, be sure the couple accepts the need to break fully their es to their parents as they establish a new family iden ty. This may seem strange but the couple needs to be reminded of Genesis 2:24, which says, “This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife in such a way that the two become one person” (TLB*). The word leave actually means to sever, abandon, forsake, or cut off, but not in a nega ve sense. In a wedding ceremony such a statement denotes the transferring of loyal es from child to parent and now to this future spouse. It is important that each of them somehow let it be known that their mate is now their highest considera on. Finally, reassure and comfort the couple as they consider the details of their wedding day. Remind the couple that although the wedding is important, the memories of that day soon will fade. What is important is their marriage and what occurs during the next several decades. Not everyone will be sa sfied or pleased at the wedding service. The possibility of someone’s fain ng, throwing up, forge ng their vows, stepping on a dress, flowers being the wrong color, the cake collapsing, and so forth, is real. Talk with the couple about how they will handle some of these unexpected wedding adventures. An cipa on is not being pessimis c but being prepared to stay in control of whatever occurs and ge ng the most out of it either for growth or retrospec ve laughter. Two minutes prior to my daughter’s wedding, a child threw up in the sanctuary and it had to be cleaned up. A poten al upse ng disaster? Perhaps. Or something to handle, laugh about, and put in the storehouse of memories. You will spend much me discussing the details of the wedding ceremony with a couple. A pastor needs to be flexible because marriage ceremonies are changing today. Couples desire to write their own ceremonies, and they want to plan in greater detail than before. Many of them

might choose to be married in a place other than the church sanctuary. They might prefer a home, a hillside, or a park. I think we need to allow for the changes that are coming about. Some of the wedding ceremonies that young people have designed have been very crea ve and enriching, and they glorify the Lord. Many couples want more of a Chris an emphasis and a

me of dedica on and tes mony in the service. One minister’s crea ve approach to the wedding ceremony replaces the custom of giving the bride away with an ac on he calls “reaffirming family es.” Edwin Lincoln, who has conducted weddings for more than twenty years, correctly notes that “in many